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It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?