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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.