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You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
Its funny how your friends change , Meet new people and forget about you . :( But just know i`ll still be in your heart?
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Walmart needs observation decks.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.