Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
I flunked anger management class.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.
Do angry people know about naps?
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.