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When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.