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I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.