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People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
This status has been censored by Facebook
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.