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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.