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I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.