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Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?