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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.