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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
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So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
Never run after a man or a bus, there is always another one coming.
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.