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I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn`t reach very far.
The part of "no" that I don´t understand is the part where I don´t get what I want
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.