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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
You can be like "This is a slippery slope" or you can be like "Weeeeeeee!"
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
Dear Carly Simon, Yes I am so vain that I do think that song is about me.
I don`t have dirty mind ...I just hav a sexy imagination. ..
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
No. My hair magically got shorter.