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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
why do i feel like you are reading this
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with