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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.