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I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
I can’t prove this, but I swear I used to be smarter, funnier, and less tired
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.