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I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Well, the people outside are frightful.
Never squat with your spurs on
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.