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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.