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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
In Store Special - "You`re My One and Only" Valentine`s Day cards... 4 for $5...
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
Just hired two Private Investigators to follow each other. I`ll keep you posted......
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?