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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.