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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.