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I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?