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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can`t figure out who`s going to do it.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair