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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
Dear Santa, I was framed!
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Life was much easier when apples and blackberries were fruits&& not phones
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.