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It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".