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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don`t know the man & he doesn`t know you`re eating his popcorn
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
My bf just got out of jail. Says life in jail for him was a big pain in the a$$
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.