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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.