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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
The point is... Is Imma hug you like a panda nd you`re gunna like it.!(:
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...