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I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.