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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time"............................... An often used phrase in a lot of my memories.
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.