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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.