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I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.