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Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
Beauty is only a light switch away...
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.