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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
Today, I did it hard, I did it loud, it was wet, and I did it four times in a row. I wish I wasn’t talking about sneezing.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.