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My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...