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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
All I`m saying is if guys were meant to make them, they`d be call sandWIZARDS.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”