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A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."