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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.