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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.