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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
is in his own little world but it´s okay they know me here.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.