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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.