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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!