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Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...