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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.