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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
I was about to read the story below. But it was too long.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
My thoughts should be ashamed of themselves.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
I’m positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.