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It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.