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This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
Interesting fact: Prior to the creation of hummus and ranch dressing nobody ate uncooked vegetables.
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.