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A wise man once said nothing.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them