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Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?